The Real Office [Part Dos]

Yep..do you ever wonder, if people just forget that other people, just maybe, just MAYBE, are around? The office process allows me to see an awkward array of a "special breed" of human being.

I was taking the 15th street exit and stopped behind a long row of cars at the red light. I thought, good, I have a few seconds to enjoy my cinnamon flavored quaker instant oatmeal I bought at the neighborhood Costco in a jumbo pack. I looked up and out the window on a pleasant overcast morning--and that's when I just about lost my appetite. I understand we all have to prepare ourselves in the car in the morning. Applying lipstick, or make up is totally fine. Even if you are dude that needs to shave in the car, I can even handle that. I mean heck, all of that is part of my saving time in the morning program (which is listed below). So I TOTALLY understand.

But this is where I draw the line with a permanent marker--or even blood.

This woman rolls down her window okay. And she takes her brush out, which looks like she got it at Pets Mart. And she starts ripping out the hair out of her brush like it was steel wool someone would use to clean off a pan. I was so disgusted! I truly understand it's necessary to do that, but does Austin really need to see that? And it was in front of everybody, and what made even more terrible was in the mist of ALL this traffic with engines, radios, and people talking on their cell phones...I could still hear her yanking the hair out of that brush. It was SO GROSS. And I kid you not, and I am so serious about this. She was SO busy getting this hair out, that when the light turned green she didn't notice--and of course she looks up and floors it. But before she floors the gas pedal, she gives the brush one more really good tug, and her hair flings into the face of the homeless guy on the corner of the stop light. HOW SAD ! So if you are that lady reading this right now. I'm not saying you are an icky person, but please, just do that in the privacy of your home where innocent people don't have to suffer from your hair pulling.

The people in my building are so strange. You can smell people from where they were. For example, I'll walk into an empty elevator, and know someone who was smoking just got off. I haven't been too misfortunate to smell something outside of that, just the regular ladies' perfumes. But that streak ended for me yesterday when I was leaving the building. My brother told me the reason why old people smell is because their bodies are rotting from the inside out. Well...I didn't believe it at the time, but now it might be true. I was in the elevator going down to the garage, when this old lady walked in. And you know when someone walks by you or something, a brief whisk of air brushes by you. Well that happened to me, except in the elevator...meaning that brisk of air just circulated in a wind tunnel around me because it had no where to go. The old lady's smell took physical form and turned into a white powder mixed with perfume solidified cough syrup and into my lungs. And what's worse, and this type of stuff always happens to me. The old lady gets off the elevator, but I still have to go down a few levels. But then right before I get to my level, a young lady, of course beautiful walks in while the smell is still in the elevator...I just KNOW she was thinking , wow...this guys smells like a dirty hooker monkey's bottom.

The Real Office [Paul Wu Edition]

I was at the church the other day, and the pastor said that over 90% of Americans will spend more time at work, than they will with their own family...90% .... so what'd ya think of that, huh? And in the words of a wise Texas Tech man, "Yep...I believe it, so you better be really likin' what you do."

But what is office life really like? Is it about guarding your lunch from your fridge. Heaven forbid a person experiences an episode where Ross gets his turkey sandwich stollen.

I will tell you what real office life is like for the Wu ... So I will title this piece, "What real office life is like...for the Wu."

First of all. In a nut shell, you wake up, put on a clean pair of pants, put on a suit, tie. Sit in rush hour--get to work. Work all day. Leave work. Sit in rush hour. By the time you get home, it's dark. and by the time you finish eating dinner, shower, and watch the hit fox tv show The American Idol...it's already time to go to bed, multiply that routine times Cinqo (five for you non spanish speaking folks)...now tell me that's not depressing.

But here are a few helpful tips, to allow you to speed up your morning allowing you to get that extra ten minutes to your snooze.
Tip One: Before you do anything, Microwave your breakfast and then proceed to brushing your teeth, putting on your clothes--By the time your done with that, you can just grab your food out of the microwave and run to your car.

Tip Two: Get your clothes that you want to wear the next day ready the day before...but don't physically do that because that would require too much work (it's also a bad idea because you'll be thinking about work the night before and you don't want to do that). Mentally get a picture of what you want to wear so you're not sitting there thinking how you will match for people who don't care what you look like.

Tip Three: Any piece of clothing that can be done safely at a speed of 5 mph in rush should be put on in the car. For example, if you wear a tie don't spend extra minutes in front of the mirror trying to tie it on. For every minute you leave later from your house is an extra 5 minutes in rush hour.

Tip Four: If you are new to America due to being outsourced from your country because you work for a giant company like Rice-A-Roni, FYI- that nice woman or man in rush hour who sticks that center finger at you -- they're just saying hi, but whatever you do. just know it's custom to never return the favor. But in any case ignoring them will save you about 30 seconds, and we all know every second counts when going to work.

Tip Five: I'm eating Hair-o-bo gummy bears right now and they are delicious

Tip Six: When that elevator that you wait for finally comes down to the parking garage and its doors open, hurry up and walk in, if you see someone sprinting to catch, hurry up and press the close door button, but make sure you work in a building where that button actually works, because if it doesn't, you just look like a major jerk face. lol im jk you should always wait.

Things that make office likfe awkward or painful:
-The printer is so jacked up, I almost took a thee ring hole punch to shove it in there just to "fix" it. The printer will never work, and whoever you work for will never pay to fix it, because printers are a post Nazi conspiracy and cost an arm and a leg.

-When someone in your office coughs, but then you think it sounds like a sneeze, so you say "Bless You" , it just makes you look like your uneducated and you went to some community college in Oklahoma. (*if you are reading this and attend a community college in Oklahoma, I commend you and fully support you in your pursuit of higher educaiton-Vote Paul Wu for President 2048).

-When someone in your office is finishing up those last drops of water, from a wonderful bottle of Ozarka, and the bottle begins to crackle and make that sucking sound...do not speak un Jesus like things to them expressing how annoying that is.

Post Welcome

Man thank's ya'll. The blog has worked out real well and has been an overnight success. But, If you're just now joinin' in on this poker table. I made a new blog so I could stay connected with my good friends while I'm away in Scottland fightin' Spanish Ninjas trained in the mystic arts for the C.I.A.

But I did forget to say something to you. Ya "You" dork face, person reading this right now. I just wanna say I love you. If I was there right now, I probably eat a giant scoop of peanut butter off a big eatin' spoon and give you a hug. And then you'd say, "Ew man. You smell like peanut butter." and then I'd say "Dude..." that's it just I just say that.

Anyways, MaMa Wu asked me to go to the store late last night about 10:30 p.m. and told me to buy some lemons and some baby back ribs... and I was like , MaMa, it's 10:30 p.m., and my mom isn't like one of those sweet moms who shakes you lightly and whispers to you to wake up after you've been napping for a little while.

She's one of those mom's who swings open the door, and then the door hits the back of the wall causing something to fall off, and she flings open the lights and screams in another freagin' language (that I sometimes can barely comprehend when I've been so tired), to get my tard tushy butt to get her some lemons.

So next thing you know I was at the neighborhood Thomas Thumb buying my MaMa Wu some lemons, peanut butter, and baby back ribs. Wait , nvm , the peanut butter was from a few paragraphs ago. It was just Lemons and Baby Back Ribs. (side note: I'm watching NASCAR right now and a commercial just came on for the hit Fox Show "24" and I just wanna say, Jack Bauer is a ninja mamn). But anyways, I was all freezing cold at the grocery store at like 11:00 p.m. at night with one very questionable Thomas Thumb employee who looked like he might've put his age as 15 years old on his job application , but was really just this hairy bum who was 34. Anyways, he straight up kept lookin' at me when I walked in and man it scared the heck out of me! His left eye had this little twiching motion going on! He looked at me as if he had what my real smart doctor friend, Dr. Benny, would call an Aneu-rysm.

Anyways, I made my way back to the frozen meats section of the store after passing by a wonderful assort-ment of fruity pebbles and always delicious cocoa puffs. And I got excited because I saw another person shoppin' in the store other than myself-- and He was a fellow NASCAR fan ! And so I proceeded to be a good citizen, and comment on his wonderfully leather Dale Earnhardt Jr. jacket. And I said,

"Hey So you like Earnhardt?...I'm a Waltrip fan." And this guy lifted up his eyebrows and just gave me this smile, like one of those faces where the person goes , "Riiiiight...." and of course being a person of a "foreign nature", I automatically gave him this look back that said,

"What...just cause I'm yellow I can't like NASCAR or somethin' Joe? I assume that's what your name is, cause that's what it says on your stupid leather jacket" and

He gave me this look back like, "yeah man...or should I say Toyota because you probably look like a supporter of Toyota being in NASCAR for the first time this year." and then I gave him this look back that was like,

"No man. I'm actually a Nissan guy, which is not in NAS-CAR any-a-way, and even then that's Japanese, and I'm 100% Made In Taiwan, you stupid fat bobblehead."

Yeeeeep...him and his ugly hairy lover walked away after that. I'm guessin' he got real scared of me when I put the look of the almost extinct siberian black panther in my eyes that I learned from Ultimate Fighting Champion Luigi Fioravanti.

Welcome

Hey Everyone, I was drivin' to work and I realized that I have A LOT of random thoughts. So I decided I'm goin' to write it ALL down. Over the life of this blog I hope you and I can become closer and learn a few things about each other that we would've never known about each other! lol QUALITY TIME with the Wu, how 'bout that?

I'm getting my mom's car oil changed, and tires rotated, (Castrol 5w-30), right now so we'll keep this short.

So you know that episode of Friends where Ross has his "Top 5" list of famous people he'd date--well I just watched that episode and said, I got to get me one of those.

So this list doesn't neccessarily mean I think they are the hottest thing around, but it just means, this is who I would pick to fit this category. Enjoy.

If I had to have a serious marriage with an actress, it'd be: Reese Witherspoon: let's just face it--I can actually bring her home to mom,I don't have to worry about walking in and seeing her with a shaved head, and you could see her driving a soccer mom car, not like a van or anything, but like the ugly little mercedes suv that all the rich soccer moms drive.

If I had to stay engaged with someone for a lifetime and never get married and live with that person in some castle in Europe. It'd be Kate Beckinsale, let's face it, is there really a better person for that.

If I had to go on a country music tour and fall in love with the person I was opening for, it'd be Jo Dee Messina...cause lets just face it..She's just a tractor beam of hotness. And who doesn't like that Bye Bye song ...

If I had to date a woman who could possibly beat the crap out of me if I messed something up, it'd be Eliza Dushku, cause she straight up acts like she's in a gang.

If I had to tell a woman on a first date what my most unfavorite commercial was it'd be that Taylor Hicks Ford Truck Commercial...I shoot him straight off the stage with a 12 guage -- I know it has nothing to do with this list--he's just annoying.

If I had to go to a Mavericks game with a woman, it'd be Eva Mendes, because she could wear a cap but at the same time say, I'm a bunch of hotness in a uncomfortable plastic stadium seat, but I'm not going to complain because I good lookin'

If I had to date a woman who was going to straight up ignore me and treat me like a piece of shoe leather...it'd be Penelope Cruz...cause let's just face it, she's just straight up mean.

If I had to have a woman change the oil in my car with Castrol 5W-30, It'd be Gretchen Wilson, because all things being real..which other woman in the celebrity world would you know, who could actually do that.

If I had to marry a car, it'd be Eleanor, because even before she goes in to get her hood done, she still looks beautiful ...

If I had to date a super model, it'd be Giselle.

If I had to date an I-talian actress, who's not that famous , it'd be Jennifer Espisoto because again...she puts the sun in my sky.

If I had to marry someone from the food network it'd be: Giada De Laurentiis, because we'd pretty much be like Brad and Jennifer , except in the kitchen and not divorced, and I can fit her in my pocket because she is the size of alex young.

If I had to date a woman who kinda frightens me, it'd be Alyssa Milano, cause I could totally picture her standing over me in the middle of the night with a knife ready to kill me because she's crazy.

If I had to bring a Gordita Taco Wrap to a celebrity i'd be Britney Spears...because she just seems like she's just having a bad day.

If I had to take a blonde to a Cowboys Game, it'd be Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the snap from Tony Romo please.